transfer blogs..

[sunday came]
created April 8

thanks to a fire lit under my butt earlier this week, I signed up to be a part of a choir formed for an upcoming "tenebrae"/good friday service. we had our first and only practice this morning. my thoughts driving there? i wonder where the nearest place i can turn around is. my thoughts leaving? speechless.
The actual choir practice was sweet, i love to sing, therefore it was a good time, and it was led by a guy who is quite possibly on my top 10 most talented worship leaders. but it was what he had to say after we finished singing that hit me.
he walked us through the service, what it was going to be like. can i just say that this particular church knows how to do church? the elements he descibed gave me goosebumps. not only because the creative brilliance behind it all got me exctied, but the things he was describing were such gruesome reminders to what good friday was and is all about. he challenged us to begin this upcoming holy week in this mindset: "imagine living through good friday without the knowledge that sunday was coming" when good friday rolls around, we go to church, we sing the songs, we watch the images, and it's all well and good, but we KNOW that sunday is coming. and so we focus on that. we focus on knowing that our hero comes back. we dont even begin to touch what it would have been like to feel like it ended on friday.
anyways, im fricken pumped to be able to be a part of this service. but more so, i'm so excited to be a part of "the bigger story". I'm so excited that sunday came.


[jesus in my jones...]
created April 6th

i opened a bottle of jones soda tonight, which always has a clever little "2 cents" they like to add into your life through their bottle caps. Previous ones have been, "you will soon change your line of work, and make a list of 5 things that make you happy." tonight's words of wisdom you ask? simply... "listen". the funny thing is that when i was purchasing the soda, i mixed and matched from about 6 different cases of this soda to create my ideal package of bottles with the pictures i wanted on them. meaning, there was potentially 24 bottles that i could have come home with, and this one found it's way into my fridge. maybe god is saying, "hey freak-attack! if you cant hear me screaming to you, maybe i can get you this way. LISTEN ALREADY".

i wrote about listening in my journal the other night. i wrote more about my lack of ability to listen than anything. i actually wrote, "i'm scared to listen because i fear what God might tell me".

i think this maybe means I need to spend more time being still. listening. focusing. being.

so why am i so afraid to listen to what he has to say? maybe it's because I think he's going to unleash something I dont think he can pull me through. maybe I think he'll leave me to fend for myself once he shows me how royally i have f'ed up. but it is
in those moments of silence that i begin to hear the precious voice of christ, that no more than whispers, say to me..."we're gonna make it buddy, dad knows the way" - that i hear him offer his hand. that i begin to hear familiarity.


[surfacing...]
created April 5th

i feel like i've reached a point in my life where i've really grown up. (which i guess, once i've said it, it makes me think i really havn't because the only time you want to be a grown up, is when you aren't one.) So we'll just say i'm at a point where i have had, in my opinion, significant maturation over the past few months. i've devloped confidence in the things that i can do, and become aware, (and satisfied) in the fact that there are things i cant and wont ever be able to do.

someone asked me how i was the other day (with the intent for me to actually respond, and they actually listen...which doesn't happen very often) and the only word that i could say was overwhelmed. not in the sense that i have an overabundance of tasks that need to be completed, but some underlying personal issues have been surfacing. things that really wont affect who i am, but will hopefully improve who i am to other people. for instance- i've realized the outrageous amount of empty words that i speak to people. i've been sucked into this sick cycle of the christian vocabulary in which people share things with me, and my automatic response is, "well i'll pray for you". and do i? not very often. i've also been exposed to my irresponsibility and selfishness when it comes to matters of stewardship. not just with my money (but Lord knows i dont give my 10%) --which is another thought that i've wrestled with latley. i have no job. i occasionally have babysitting jobs/house cleaning jobs that give me pretty much enough money to gas my way to school and back. because of this, i struggle with how and what my "tithe" is/should be. part of me says that right now, at this point in my life, time is one of my most valuable 'possessions' so is it my time that i can offer? or is that just my half hearted way of doing it so i can feel good? hmm...

i was told the other day (by someone that i love and respect, and my inital feeling was DANG that hurt...until i later realized his intention/reasoning behind exposing this) ...anyways, i was told that i need to pray about the possibilty of having major pride issues. i've never considered myself as someone who had a head so big they had to turn sideways to get in the door. (i always think of "Hey Arnold" when referring to big-headed, egotistical people.) anyways- my friend challenged me to think about the whole idea of "taking the blame, passing the praise." which i've always felt i've done. and so as these things add up, his suggestion, and my initial rejection to it, which to me implies that if i was so quick to deny it, maybe it's true?, but i'm pretty sure i need to learn humility. i'm fricken good at saying, "oh thanks, but i had a ton of help!" while on the inside i'm saying, "thanks, they couldn't have done it without me". i am good at that show. i dont want to be.

i feel trapped behind layers upon layers that are creating this human imbecile called kaitlyn. i want to work at peeling back those layers to reveal who i am- who jesus created me to be.

i feel as though anyone who may read this may begin to ensue my feelings of overwhelmed-ness (haha, you like that?) simply because what was on my brain came out my fingers, in no order what so ever...and this is life.